Connection

Within the realm of recovery and personal growth, there are two types of connections I think about. Both are important. Different times in your life, or differences in people, can determine which to focus on. There are similarities and differences with each type of connection.

The type of connection that is needed for both recovery and personal growth is more than just checking in. More than the “How are you?” + “Fine” combination that occurs all the time in one form or another. It is physical, not digital.

 And … it can be hard.

Connecting, truly connecting with another human being, can be hard. It enlists vulnerability, empathy, patience. But it is a requirement for living, following just after air, water, food, shelter. Connection absolutely is a critical part of living.

We know, scientifically, that babies need human touch during the first few hours and days of life. We also know that loneliness, at any age, can lead to death. Either through the taking one’s own life, or through the slow trickle of giving up and allowing aging and life to take over. Loneliness is not only a psychological problem. Loneliness manifests itself in numerous physical ailments including heart disease, immune issues, and obesity.

So, yes, we need to connect on a biological level. Though, that type of connection can, possibly, hopefully, happen with anyone. Family members or friends. We can connect with whomever we are comfortable with.

What about connecting with new people? New communities?

Making new connections can be even tougher than truly connecting with someone you know well. If you are embarking on a major life change, or are looking to amplify aspects of your life that enhance your well-being, you may need to look for new people, or a new community, to connect with.

In addition to vulnerability, empathy, and patience, connecting with new people takes courage. Putting yourself out there? To possibly, probably, get turned away? Gutsy. So, we need to be comfortable with ourselves, which means we have to understand who we are and why we are doing this.

Then we are free to open up. To seek out those who will help us on our new path. To ask, directly or indirectly, for guidance as we explore a new way of being or acting. We can follow up by sharing, giving as well as receiving, within this new relationship.

That is when the growth can happen. Connection is part of transformation.

Consider how you are connecting with the people in your life today, and whether you might be served by connecting with new people. How could that happen, and what would that look like?

Maybe it’s easier to start out by working on better connecting with those currently in your life.

I continue to work on being a better listener. Asking more questions, then asking follow-up questions. Being curious.

As a former sales guy, I used to practice this all the time. Consider all the questions that I might ask a prospective client. Try to understand their business, their organization, their processes. I would catch myself pitching to quickly, before they were ready and before I even understood what their problems were, or if their problems even came close to matching my solution. I was constantly working on being curious.

But that was part of my job. It resulted in more money, less money, or no money. How can I apply that thinking to personal relationships?

It starts by recognizing that it’s not all about me, but it begins with me. I need to be the one that lets my guard down. I must be concerned about that other person and the relationship we have or may have.

Some people are more comfortable doing this than others. Regardless of how long it takes to get there, if we are going to recover and grow, we need to find groups of people or communities that both support us and show us the way.

Approaching new communities is similar to approaching an individual. It may be a new workout group. It may be a community recovering from similar struggles. It may be a book club reading on subjects that are of new interest. Regardless, open ears and an open heart will help build connections with the group as well as the people therein.

In the end it is about being present, whether with one person or a dozen. Wherever you are, be there.